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(Title awaiting betterment)
1 "Don't sand my melon!"
-Stuart to Stephen, summer 2000, as Stephen threatened Stuart's fruit with an attendant power sander... the inaugural phrase, prompting discussions as to how this phrase had *never* been uttered throughout the entire annals of history. Henceforth, all truly unique phrases have been referred to as Melon phrases and recorded in this truly inspirational manual.
2 "That would require some kind of foreskin-(airbrush) propellant
interface."
- Bob in the Art Store, quelling Stephen's fear of airbrush propellant explosion and
subsequent de-testiculation - 12/10/00
3 "My foreskin HAS to be in New York by 5.00am!"
- Stu in the Art Store - 12/10/00
4 "I know nothing of comedy meat"
- Kirsty on phone to Stu - c.??/8/00
5 "Stick a toastie on and I'll dress up as Liza Minelli"
- Ej @ Work - 25/10/00 5:35pm
6 "We all have onions in our past, metaphorically speaking"
- Engine to Mog on MSN - 04/11/00
7 "I think new year grew a few onions for all of us"
- Mog in response
8 "I INVENTED FUCKMONKEY!"
- Bob to Engine on MSN, putting things straight - 26/11/00
9 "Bob Monkhouse is more a sort of...mandatory grandfather than a
desirable uncle"
- Engine to Stu on MSN, quibbling over his choice of celebrity uncle
- 26/11/00
10 "I need some gloves, wooly gloves preferably. Well, not very wooly.
Well, not wooly at all...cotton."
- Stephen - 0?/12/00
11 "we have abhorrent towels. want 'em?"
- Stu and Catriona MSN conversation - admail mockery taken to
extremes - 30/12/00 22:22
12 "first ramones, now dangermouse. winamp is joy"
- Stu on MSN - 30/12/00 - 22:20
13 "HELP! I'm covered in tiny shards of copper!"
- Bob covered in shards of wire from a piece of Co-Ax - 30/12/00
4pm....ish
14 "the cat would impede my progress"
- Stephen before he was drunk - 31/12/00 2130
15 "you looked a lot pinker when Stuart scanned you; so does everyone."
-Linz talking about???????????????????????????????? - 31/12/00 2240
16 "my finger smells of finger"
- Stephen after getting drunk - 31/12/00 2240
17 "I'm not doing anything, in case anyone cares. I'm free as a bird. Or a tiny child in a vacuum."
-Stephen on MSN - 04/01/01 22:40
18 "I'm touched. all that for an astro bely"
-Kirsty-chops on MSN - 04/01/01 22:55
19 "tush. Netscape is wombled."
-Stephen on MSN - 04/01/01 23:10
20 "Tck, tck. Little flesh is stringy flesh. It's the fat 'uns and the scrabblers. Pop them in the pot and then they'll hiss a little."
-Stephen at the zenith of his MSN-delirium. There's reams more.
04/01/01 Night-time
21 "Why must you lambaste my sleeves?"
-Stu to Lisa on MSN - 22/01/01
22 "My fruit intake is legendary!"
-Stu to Mog on MSN, refuting the 'Zapp scurvy' claims - 23/01/01 1:30
23 "Phillip Schofield is the poor man's Morrissey"
-Bob in the hazy, bloodshot mist of insomniac delirium - 07/01/01
24 "Oh, the lost melons of time"
-More insomniasms from Bob the sleep-cripple - 22/01/01
*spoken in a far more serious (and thus, scary) tone than was probably meant*
25 "Mog looks like a tiny little space cat"
-EJ in 13th Note - 1635 - 23/01/01
26 "Look at the bottles with the wigs and beards"
-Stu in 13th Note, the effects of the vegan bacon showing clearly - 1710 - 23/01/01
27 "Hangover from *hell*. The consequence of a free car."
06/Jan/01 -Kirsty is crowned the queen of typos on MSN
28 "Stuart's head is almost finished hardening."
26/Jan/01 -Lindsay recreates Stuart in all his ceramic wonder
29 "I just snapped an Arabian shoehorn"
-Bob after snapping a shoehorn from UAE Airlines - 1030 - 27/01/01
30 "So...I bring out the transformer in him?"
- Bob refuting decries of infectious immaturity - 2300 - 27/01/01
31 "I'm covered in aquasores - I'm going to bed"
- Stu in cat's flat - apparently talking of a cross between aquatic dinosaurs and bedsores, apparently - 0045 - 27/01/01
32 "You would moon goats, given the opportunity?"
- Stu to James - espousing the possible subjects of mooning whilst hanging from a mountain - 1000 - 29/01/01
33 "all my thermodynamics notes are covered in banana"-
- Fraser in uni - 1305 - 29/01/01
34 "Word Wank. Does exactly what it says on the tin"
-Morag on engine's nonsensical ramblings - 2200 ish - 29/01/01
35 "I shall refrain from pan-dribbling"
- Bob, doing just that - 1615 - 30/01/01
36 "I'm ashamed of the accuracy of my jovi facsimile"
- Bob, shortly after wailing 'livin' on a prayer' - 1900 - 30/01/01
37 "Make up for it by killing multiple jovis"
- Stu, making light of the similarity between the virtua cop baddies and the bouffant cunt - 1900 - 30/01/01
38 "Some people buy folders. I pour scorn on these people, from the big pot of scorn I carry around at all times"
- Stu marveling at the abject disarray of his chemistry notes - 1000 - 02/02/01
39 "huh, no tears for Bumblebee"
- Stephen, bemoaning the lack of mourning for the apparent death of Bumblebee in Transformers The Movie, 0050 Sun 4th Feb 2001
40 "...no relation to any other giant robots, living or dead..."
- Stuart, observing the legal technicalities at the end of Transformers The Movie, 0100 Sun 4th Feb 2001
41 "'DAAAAAAD!' ... oh, you fickle boy. What of lowly Bumblebee?"
- Stephen, further lamenting the plight of the yellow hued martyr - 04/02/01 1550
42 "Spare some change for a cup of death?"
-Bob postulating that the Glasgow based vampire rag 'Bite Me' is, in fact, the gothic big issue - 05/02/01 - 2002
[oi oi oi! It was my idea, you spoony bard. You weren't postulating! You were commenting!]
[Fuck you, tufty and all your kind. *I* compared it to the big issue after you had disparaged it's content]
[Eat my forbidden ass. I concocted the idea some time previous and expounded upon it at the time.]
43 "Think of your Sim-Self as your Astral-Plane self, for they are one."
-Sims are people too. Bob refutes Stephen's 'not alive' claims - 05/02/01 - 2008
44 "It's not like this mainstream ass-eating you hear about so much."
-High Society article 'Sorority girls forbidden ass-eating rituals' gets mad props from the wilson-meister - 05/02/01 - 2015
45 "Curse you, Wolf. You 'Throaties' shilling whore!"
-Bob Evil: *not actually Bill Hicks, but an incredible simulation* - 05/02/01 - 2045
46 "That was quite a merry 'bawbags' considering how much cold just happened to me"
-Stu in a low cut shirt...and flimsy jacket...in February...all for a £2 discount at the GFT, surely this man is the
epitome of tight-fistedness? - 05/02/01 - 2245
47 "I needs more warm than I am the now. See anyone wince? I'm scanning for English teachers."
-Stu to Bob, EJ and Stephen in a fairly weird-ass dream - 09/02/01 - the wee small hours
48 "If Billy has 9 apples, and Jake takes 5, how many apples does Billy have? As many as he likes, 'cos he lays tha smackdown on that bitch-ass Jake mofo, and steals his wallet. Then he buys a whole *ton* of apples. And a gun. And then he shoots Jake inna face."
-Stu discussing maths in tha hood - 09/02/01 - 1005
49 "It's 5th year maths, but with people getting shot in the face. 5th year maths with an 18 rating."
-Stu further debating the usefulness of relearning curve sketching - 09/02/01 - 1006
50 "If the Statue of Liberty were male, what length would his schlong be?"
-Gary ruminates on the stupidity of the Bar Oz pub quiz - 06/02/01 - 2130?? ... [left the notebook at home, guys. Accurate details will follow]
51 "this is why wordwank will never progress as a genre"
-mog
52 " Ich bin ein bonus doodad.. je suis un bonus doodad"
-stephen
53 "Am I *that* regular a pisshead? A qualifier!"
-mog
54 "You have a ribcage consisting entirely of 'coming soon' notices"
-Bob to Emma, commenting on the lack of content on her website - 15/02/01 - 1400
55 "my dad is unamused by comedy nun"
-Bob's dad clearly doesn't get the hilarity of the 'turbo keen' nun - 16/02/01 - 2237
56 "that's right - mark the high ground. There's a strategic dog"
-Stu, congratulating his dog on it's Patton-esque employment of urine- 20:03 - 28/03/01
57 "fuck binmen - I want my x-wing"
-Bob tells the sanitation disposal technicians in favour of anti-matter engines- 21:35 - 28/03/01
58 "did you know that sex gives you better memory...or is that apples?"
-Ej showing she isn't getting enough of either - 15:49 - 01/04/01
59 "It's a lovely, sunday afternoon of a word. Lunch at your grandmother's house, teacakes, crumpets, children playing cricket on the lawn... that's what trousers are all about."
-Stephen finally comments on the UK/US pants embargo -mid evening 02|04|01
60 "Ah, four rainbows. The impossible dream."
-Alan speaks the mind of anyone who has ever played Rainbow Islands, ever.
'Round Midnight 14|Apr|01
61 "All the eenths of April are behind us."
-Alan, improving upon Shakespeare's Ides of March speech 27|Apr|01
62 "There is no shit dippier than thou."
-Stephen, damning Alan for mistakenly damning Stephen for closing the window with the Pauly Shore web-page in it.
1244 28|Apr|01
63 "You can't have people running around declaring themselves invulnerable to wedgies without repurcussions. I mean, really."
-Stu on MSN, explaining wedgie-law to Morag.
2049 6|May|01
64 "The Comedy Barrel has been over-scraped, and now resembles a sort of bulging tube."
-Stu on MSN, shortly after explaining Muff for Love.
2222 7|May|01
65 "Soon you shall be the world's prevalent science-cat."
-Stu on MSN, fearing the robot-controlling kitten-being that is MO-RAG
???? ?|???|01
66 "The cupboard is Switzerland."
-Mog on MSN, describing the only neutral area of the permanent cat-dog warzone that is my home.
???? ?|???|01
67 "Judd Nelson sent me a greetings card telling me not to butter his member."
-Stephen on MSN, at the conclusion of a hideous erotic Judd-pirate debacle.
0112 25|Jul|01
